Mormons are posthumously converted to Buddhism by Zoroaster himself, possibly with the help of Raab Himself.

Episcopalian.
Fourteen.
Desperate.
Regional.
Forewarned.


I didn't say what or when or where these words would inspire. Just know that some day, they will inspire something. Or someone. Or neither and both at the same time.
Question:
If magic mushrooms make you hallucinate because they are poison, why don't other foods that are poison make you hallucinate? For example, the old cheese I threw up this morning. To be gross and more detailed, it's not like I threw up and said "I remember that cheese, it's from the 80's". This was a case of me throwing caution into the wind and cheese that had been opened for a few weeks into my mouth. It did not make me see things. Other than itself, several hours later. 
Cheese smells like feet which are covered in fungus which employs mushrooms. I see this as acceptable logic in the case for old cheese being illegal.

Officially:

Plutonium.




Unofficially:

Rabbits
Shoelaces
Sparkle
Unfiltered Cigarette Filters
Voter Registration Cards
Anonymity
Disposable Contact Lenses
Unlimited Text Messaging
Focaccia Bread
Stencil Art
Grading Systems
Wireless Calling Plans
Ice
MCAT Scores
Toddlers
Weapons

My wife bought me underwear. It's the kind that is the boxer and the brief combination platter. Along the waistband it says:
"Powered By Optimism"
I'm almost 30. I guess if I was 13 or 14 or 15 or even 16 it could say "Powered by hope that it won't have to be powered by optimisim".
At this point, I don't even know how far optimism will get you. Me. As if it said "powered by the cold war".

Names of racing horses are stupid. To prove it, these are the names I would give my racing horse if I had a racing horse with which to give a horse racing name to. it.

In half particular order:


1. Elmer
2. Carpenter's
3. What Happened in Vegas
4. Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman
5. The Preakness Steak
6. Korean Fried Chicken 
7. Legends of the Fall: The Book: The Movie: The Horse: The Radio Station
8. Over The Counter
9. Derves
10. What's The Phobia When You're Afraid of Short People?
11. Thunder. Horse.
12. Page 72 of John Grisham's "The Runaway Jury", Hard Cover Edition
13. Power
14. I'm Rubber You're Glue
15. My Little Pony: Apocalypse Pony
16. Visanthe Shiancoe's Penis
17. Soreness, Itchy Dry Mouth, Fever, and Oily Discharge
18. A Joke About the Really Fat Guy From Police Academy 5
19. A Pocket Full of Kryptonite in My Pants On The Ground
20. Robert Redford's Confidant
21. Sequestered Equestrian
22. Kylie Minogue
23. Because of the Movie The Horse Whisperer
24. Hung Like Me
25. The Loser Gets Shipped to Taco Bell
26. The Winner Gets Free Gordita Crunches For Life
27. Incestual Zebra
28. Incestual Centaur
29. Birth Defected Centaur 
30. Unicorns Don't Have Propecia So I Look Like This
31. The Horse With the Head of a Rabbit and the Body of a Rabbit, Courtesy of The Simpsons, Referring to The Fabled Esquilax
32. Champion Race Car Driver
33. "Can You Take Me High Enough?" By The Damn Yankees
34. Face
35. The Chemical Process That Converts Chalk Into Russian Dressing
36. Weapons Grade Plutonium

As a matter of fact.
This is usually used before the truth is told. However, this is also usually the point in the conversation where I expect you to lie. As a matter of fact, that's the opposite of what makes sense.
Unless you're a total fecesface or a pathological liar, I'll assume whatever it is you're about to say, is at the very least, a matter of educated guessing or assumption. As a matter of fact, every time you use the phrase "as a matter of fact" you're wasting my time, destroying the planet and putting the terrorists up by an extra touchdown.
Thanks a ton.
A ton of what? Hyperbole? Thanks, a ton of asskissing! You saved my spot in line at Starbucks! Thanks a ton of crappy coffee! The ton is a very large unit of measurement. The thanks is a unit of appreciation. This would be like saying "you walked a full mile liter." I will now thank you with a ton of fists pretending to colonoscopize you.
Colonoscopize.
To give the colonoscopy. The only thing that doesn't make sense is that it's not recognized as a word. If only someone could colonoscopize.
Self explanatory.
Don't be racist. Just because inanimate objects, nouns and adjectives from whatever country you come from can explain themselves in a clear and precise manner using whatever funny sounding language you speak, doesn't mean it's true everywhere. The only thing that explains itself are stupid people who matter-of-factly thank me for colonoscopizing them.
Correctional Facility.

While at the courthouse today (don't ask) I saw a woman (don't ask) walking away from the window (don't ask) toward the teller (don't ask) when she realized (don't ask) that her arm (don't ask) was caught (don't ask) on the cord (don't ask) that raises (don't ask) the blinds (ASK!!!).
She found this amusing. Like when the cat knocks over a bowl of popcorn and it lands on the cats head and then the dog dies.
Security is hilarious today. Also the last few years. At most municipal buildings.... wait, I should look up what municipal means. maybe later. At most buildings where people work directly for the city/county/district/state/country there is some sort of security deterrence. This deterrence is similar to the yellow laser-like barrier used to deter runners from finishing their race. 
Step 1. You must take everything out of your pockets. ALL OF IT.
Step 2. You must put everything from out of your pocket and into a little tub, which I'm 90% sure is manufactured by someone who has a friend in the government, and when business was bad he said "can't you make people put their crap in my bins before you fake security-ify them? I'll sell you 8 for $4 million."
Step 3. Take off your belt. Slowly. Yeah, let it glide through the loops, to the beat of whichever Barry White song starts playing. Slow it down just a bit... yeah.... now right before it's at the last loop, whip it out real fast so it snaps. OOH! yeah, now we're ready to search for your metal.
Step 4. Ask if it's ok if your jacket has gloves in it because they're kind of annoying to take out. 
Step 5. Walk through the detector of metal. If I had a music magazine I would call it Metal Detector and only allow small snippets about bands like Breaking Benjamin and Crazytown because they only have hints of metal within them that are detectable. DMX on the other hand would have a full-page spread every issue. Dude is so metal.
Step 6. Wait for the beep. This will happen if you are naked and made out of 100% Boron. The Least Metal of All the Elements. The same will happen if you are a cybernetic organism. A learning computer. What is your dog's name. How's Wolfy. Your stepmother and father are already dead. Come with me if you want to live. Hello Cutie Pie. You forgot the 3rd rule of a crisis situation. Bad to the Bone.
Step 7. Raise your pants so the Security Guard Last Line of Defense Before You Stick It To That Boiler Violations Clerk can check to see if you brought a crowbar or RPG in your sock.
Step 8. Wait for his approval of your non RPG/crowbar socks.
Step 9. Clear customs.
Step 10? Maybe take the crazy metal object you initially planned on using to violate whatever government building you were considering attacking out of the pocket you chose not to completely empty? 
You do realize it makes the same beep whether your nipple ring sets it off or your sawed off shotgun nipple ring sets it off, right? As long as we're all on the same page here - that we need people to think they're secure so as not to alarm that lady who didn't ask before she got her arm caught in the shade cord.

Baseballs will come with speedometers so as not to hasten their eventual arrival in pop culture.

What constitutes itself as food these days is usually some sort of ripoff of other food. For example: Taco Bell. Also, Toffuti. But enough about brands. It's really mostly soy's fault. I don't know if it's because it's diverse, flexible, or has a natural taste of rubber that reminds food scientists of chicken, but soy impersonates more actual food than any other impersonation impersonates other impersonatables. It's only non-imposter product would be soy sauce, which is liquid salt.
(Bad joke time? Soy's liquid imposter product of Kosher salt would be Oy Sauce. Don't worry, I'll throw my own tomatoes at myself.)
When impersonating food, it seems it's more important to look like the thing you're trying to be than to taste like it. This would be similar to starting a Kiss cover band with 4 guys with big curly-ish brown hair, lots of chest hair and diligent and precise face-painting skills. Who have no idea how to play instruments. I think people would get excited at first, but then leave once they either heard that they didn't sound like Kiss, or remembered that Kiss sucks to begin with, and a Kiss cover band could only be 85% as good as Kiss, which is like asking for 85% of a pile of shit in your face. Unless you like Kiss. In which case it's like asking for 85% of a pile of shit in your face that you like. Another example would be if you replaced my father with former NBA common-card Bill Wennington. Sure he'd look the same, but we'd never be able to take him seriously with that Kings jersey on. Plus, I'd dunk on him.
The point is, food imposters need to do the thing the food they're impostering does moreso than they need to appear similar to the food they're imposterifizing. If you put a blue square of substance on my plate and told me it tasted like meatballs, I probably wouldn't believe you. But I would taste it. And if it tasted more like meatballs than the brownish spheres found at any non-middle-east vegeterain restaurant, I'd probably eat a lot of it. Because falafel. That's the brown spherical thing at the middle-east restaurant.
So you see, it's better to be true to who you are, and not lie about things. You end up in jail this way, and prisoners get raped.
And now it's time to watch out Tofu. Your ass is about to become the newest waterslide at Rykers.

At one point, Norse breadmaking techniques will be incorporated onto festive aztec winter baskets for tribal purity as well as multinational fertility conglomerates.