While at the courthouse today (don't ask) I saw a woman (don't ask) walking away from the window (don't ask) toward the teller (don't ask) when she realized (don't ask) that her arm (don't ask) was caught (don't ask) on the cord (don't ask) that raises (don't ask) the blinds (ASK!!!).
She found this amusing. Like when the cat knocks over a bowl of popcorn and it lands on the cats head and then the dog dies.
Security is hilarious today. Also the last few years. At most municipal buildings.... wait, I should look up what municipal means. maybe later. At most buildings where people work directly for the city/county/district/state/country there is some sort of security deterrence. This deterrence is similar to the yellow laser-like barrier used to deter runners from finishing their race.
Step 1. You must take everything out of your pockets. ALL OF IT.
Step 2. You must put everything from out of your pocket and into a little tub, which I'm 90% sure is manufactured by someone who has a friend in the government, and when business was bad he said "can't you make people put their crap in my bins before you fake security-ify them? I'll sell you 8 for $4 million."
Step 3. Take off your belt. Slowly. Yeah, let it glide through the loops, to the beat of whichever Barry White song starts playing. Slow it down just a bit... yeah.... now right before it's at the last loop, whip it out real fast so it snaps. OOH! yeah, now we're ready to search for your metal.
Step 4. Ask if it's ok if your jacket has gloves in it because they're kind of annoying to take out.
Step 5. Walk through the detector of metal. If I had a music magazine I would call it Metal Detector and only allow small snippets about bands like Breaking Benjamin and Crazytown because they only have hints of metal within them that are detectable. DMX on the other hand would have a full-page spread every issue. Dude is so metal.
Step 6. Wait for the beep. This will happen if you are naked and made out of 100% Boron. The Least Metal of All the Elements. The same will happen if you are a cybernetic organism. A learning computer. What is your dog's name. How's Wolfy. Your stepmother and father are already dead. Come with me if you want to live. Hello Cutie Pie. You forgot the 3rd rule of a crisis situation. Bad to the Bone.
Step 7. Raise your pants so the Security Guard Last Line of Defense Before You Stick It To That Boiler Violations Clerk can check to see if you brought a crowbar or RPG in your sock.
Step 8. Wait for his approval of your non RPG/crowbar socks.
Step 9. Clear customs.
Step 10? Maybe take the crazy metal object you initially planned on using to violate whatever government building you were considering attacking out of the pocket you chose not to completely empty?
You do realize it makes the same beep whether your nipple ring sets it off or your sawed off shotgun nipple ring sets it off, right? As long as we're all on the same page here - that we need people to think they're secure so as not to alarm that lady who didn't ask before she got her arm caught in the shade cord.
She found this amusing. Like when the cat knocks over a bowl of popcorn and it lands on the cats head and then the dog dies.
Security is hilarious today. Also the last few years. At most municipal buildings.... wait, I should look up what municipal means. maybe later. At most buildings where people work directly for the city/county/district/state/country there is some sort of security deterrence. This deterrence is similar to the yellow laser-like barrier used to deter runners from finishing their race.
Step 1. You must take everything out of your pockets. ALL OF IT.
Step 2. You must put everything from out of your pocket and into a little tub, which I'm 90% sure is manufactured by someone who has a friend in the government, and when business was bad he said "can't you make people put their crap in my bins before you fake security-ify them? I'll sell you 8 for $4 million."
Step 3. Take off your belt. Slowly. Yeah, let it glide through the loops, to the beat of whichever Barry White song starts playing. Slow it down just a bit... yeah.... now right before it's at the last loop, whip it out real fast so it snaps. OOH! yeah, now we're ready to search for your metal.
Step 4. Ask if it's ok if your jacket has gloves in it because they're kind of annoying to take out.
Step 5. Walk through the detector of metal. If I had a music magazine I would call it Metal Detector and only allow small snippets about bands like Breaking Benjamin and Crazytown because they only have hints of metal within them that are detectable. DMX on the other hand would have a full-page spread every issue. Dude is so metal.
Step 6. Wait for the beep. This will happen if you are naked and made out of 100% Boron. The Least Metal of All the Elements. The same will happen if you are a cybernetic organism. A learning computer. What is your dog's name. How's Wolfy. Your stepmother and father are already dead. Come with me if you want to live. Hello Cutie Pie. You forgot the 3rd rule of a crisis situation. Bad to the Bone.
Step 7. Raise your pants so the Security Guard Last Line of Defense Before You Stick It To That Boiler Violations Clerk can check to see if you brought a crowbar or RPG in your sock.
Step 8. Wait for his approval of your non RPG/crowbar socks.
Step 9. Clear customs.
Step 10? Maybe take the crazy metal object you initially planned on using to violate whatever government building you were considering attacking out of the pocket you chose not to completely empty?
You do realize it makes the same beep whether your nipple ring sets it off or your sawed off shotgun nipple ring sets it off, right? As long as we're all on the same page here - that we need people to think they're secure so as not to alarm that lady who didn't ask before she got her arm caught in the shade cord.
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