Oh boy, if you really can't tell the difference between being hopped up on drugs and cutting someone open to save their life, well then, you just haven't played baseball the right way. Rule number one: Lidocaine won't make you stronger. But it will take the soreness out of your ass. After you get sore from the injection. 

Nothing feels better than a smooth frothy injection in your ass. Unless it's a lidocaine injection. Then you want the chewables. They come in cherry, mint, and aquamarine. 
Dolphins don't take lidocaine to make them recover from injuries, because they uses Human Growth Hormone. This helps them build stronger human muscles, for communicating with seagulls.
Rule number two: The centerfielder's job is to overcompensate for the fact that the rightfielder's job is to be inadequate at defending right field. Point in case: Roger Staubach. If you're cheering from the right field bleachers, make sure to bring lots of corn syrup. It can coat your throat and relieve itchyness caused by having to go to a Tigers game. Don't drink it, it's meant as an eye lubricant. Simply dip your eyelashes, one at a time, on the nozzle of the corn syrup trigger. The tingling sensation lets you know it's working.
Rule number 3: Do not eat the umpires. They are for your visual amusement only, and are covered in a phosphorous-based bacteria that, when swallowed, coagulates with red blood cells to become Lisa Kudrow.


Keep these rules at hand at all times, and you'll be sure to enjoy whatever entertainment you're pretending to partake in.

Informer. Cocaine. Better Off Dead. Lillehamer. These sit in the pro corner for contestant number "Snow".
Chocolate. Milli. Blind Melons. Nelson (the twins). Money falling on strippers. Vanilli. These belong in the posse of challenger face "Rain".
Snow is colder, but removes itself from you faster. Rain cooperates better with drainage, but it allows for sappy romance to take place. A near draw, until you consider that Ice-T was a rapper and then a hardcore rocker for one album (with one banned song) before he settled into his day job of pony-tailed cop on the streets of NY.
Think about it: Crime in NYC drops a bazillion percent in the late 90s. Rudy Guiliani, or Ice-T? When he went all "Cop Killa" he wasn't trying to murder police officers, he was removing the corrupt. By way of the Uzi. Lyrically. And now we're all better off. 


Thanks Ice-T. We always loved your courage, your hats, your loafers, and Richard Belzer.

Snowpocalypse? Snowmageddon? I've also heard Snownanza! (OK I made that up.) It's supposedly appropo to talk about what most people seem to be considering the most intense snowstorm in the history of the non-ice-age world. But why talk about snowstorms when we can talk about snow pants? Or Storm from X-men? Or the WNBA team "The Storm"? OK I can answer that last question - because I don't know where The Storm play. Call it insufficient marketing on behalf of the WNBA. Call it "they play in the WNBA". Whatever works for you. The WNBA doesn't work for me. Occupationally speaking.

8 Years ago today I had a cigarette, and then another one, and then I never had another one after that. It's kinda like giving up sex for 8 years, only you have to see people having sex on every corner, take a sex break at work, go for a sex outside the bar (because that's not allowed indoors anymore), try to squeeze in one more sex before the lecture, and also if sex were to last a full 7 minutes. But I also know that I can never have another cigarette again, which is like taking that same analogy and having it stab you in the face. Of your penis.

I like three flavors of Vitamin Water: Revive, Power-C and Energy. None of them claim to do what they say, but Revive tastes like fruit punch, Power-C tastes like magenta, and Energy tastes like yellow. And I like somewhere between 40% and 60% of CMYK, so I guess that makes sense. I also guess it's the middle half or so that appeals to me. So screw you Cyan and Kblack.