This list may be expanded upon at a later and/or further date. With it, you shall deal.
Hot and Crusty.
This is some sort of panini breakfast daytime food factory. They sell food that is supposed to be hot. And crustish. I imagine. They don't however, sell that feeling you get when you are finished with yourself. Nor is it a non-minor toy store.
Johnny Rockets.
Another place to stick meat in your mouth that has nothing to do with sticking meat in your mouth.
Dave and Busters.
Who is Dave? Who is Buster? Are there multiple Busters? Are we supposed to know that Dave and Buster, or the many Busters, are fans of indoor, small-space gaming not including cards or gambling? How would we know this? More importantly, D&B should be looked at in that light - the abbreviated. D and B. Bick and Dalls. Douche and Bags.
Correction: Dave and Busters does not have a misleading name, since it is a place for douchebags to metaphorically wave their Daves and Busterses around and compare Dave sizes, while enjoying indoor pseudo-athletics. They will be removed from this list when I redeem my free whack-a-Dave card.
Cold Stone Creamery.
No wrestlers were harmed in the making of strangely flavored ice cream. Which is very un-like Stone Cold. He harms wrestlers and his ice cream flavors are beer. Also, the servers do not wear black underwear and boots. Exclusively. Also, only a majority of the employees are addicted to flavors influenced by the state of Colorado. Also their tabletops are made out of wood and frozen yogurt. On the plus side, I hear their soups are delicious.
Burger King.
Dairy Queen.
Maybe I just expect more from royalty. Like Captain Hook, or King Roland. And look, they're allowed to do as they please, I just wouldn't expect the Queen of Dairy to serve hamburgers. That would be like a nursing mother offering very literally her own barbequed ribs to her feeding cougar hunter/child. Nor would I expect the King of Burgers to sell chicken-based lunchables. This would be like a marijuana farmer introducing his clients to cocaine or life. Nor would I expect to be surprised and terrified to possibly encounter a bear in a place called Bearsville. That would be like attempting to terrorize the United States knowing full well that Jack Bauer is in jail and has no way of foiling your evil plot. Nonetheless, these things are realities. Like J-Woww. The extra W is for wtff. The extra f is for facted. the extra ed is for an Extra Dose of Dave. Courtesy of Johnny Rockets. It will make you Hot and Crusty.
For example, Roseanne is on right now. At midnight on some cable channel. Granted, there are nine bajillion TV stations and they can't all be showing American Idol reruns, but I'm pretty sure the reason Roseanne went off the air in 1992 or whatever was because it was either
a) not funny anymore
or
b) no longer socially relevant.
Possibly both. Now I'm not saying the first x number of seasons weren't either a, b, or both to begin with, but when you buy a show for syndication, you get the whole thing. You can't marry a girl and only take some of her baggage. For an example I hope my beautiful wife doesn't read.
Most shows that go into syndication were at least at one point or another, at the top of the TV game. Everybody Loves Raymond was the #1 comedy for like 4 years for some reason. I blame that on America being dumb. I don't think the show sucked, I just can't imagine a world where ELR is the funniest thing on TV. Oh yeah, 2003. But at least that makes sense to bring a show that was #1 back into syndicate. Just remember that these shows get canceled because people start to realize how much they suck. And then they go into syndicateville.
Radio is for some reason, different.
In the most annoying way to me possible.
Forgetting the fact that NY no longer has a rock station that plays anything
a) after 1991
b) heavier than AC DC
c) that excludes Elton John
but you'll also notice that the Top 40 type stations play "classic" songs that take you back. To when I was 4. You may also notice that they take you back to songs that may not have been the most popular songs of their time. They don't replay the A+ songs, more like the B+ songs.
Aha's Take on Me, which was a really good tune back in '84, wasn't #1 for very long.
Or The Spin Doctors' Two Princes, which I'm pretty sure was #1 for exactly zero weeks. Pearl Jam's Tremor Christ may have been #1 for 8*(x + 1) weeks.
How many times have you heard TC in the last year?
(sidenote: this is the only instance you will ever hear me advocate hearing more Pearl Jam. Let this moment pass as quickly as I came. As it came.)
For some reason, radio stations and the people running their programming are fans of mediocrity. The songs that are recycled from 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago are not the songs we (as a society) went apeshit over to listen to as often as possible, they were the songs we didn't mind listening to, on a somewhat constant basis. The food equivalent of this would be if your mom or wife or personal cooking person or whomever does your personal cooking were to evaluate your reactions after each meal and determine that your top 10 favorite foods were:
10. spagehtti
9. baked chicken
8. bean soup
7. hot dogs
6. pizza
5. salmon teriyaki
4. hamburgers
3. fettuccine
2. pastrami
1. steak
and then use that information to make a regular schedule of food that consists of 3 meals not in your top 10 (we'll call them "trial meals" that you may not have had before, or haven't made an opinion on) twice weekly pizza and twice weekly baked chicken. I get that you don't mind them, but you're not looking to eat them every night. And to those who are about to say that certain meals are more appreciated because of their infrequency, I say fine. That's true. But there's a difference between infrequency and never. And there's a difference between somewhat frequent and all the frequin time.
Sidenote: That was not a list of my favorite foods in any order, I just thought up 10 kinds of foods using my brainstorming powers. Please take a moment to appreciate this.
The opposite is not true of movies. Do you know how many times Innerspace was on HBO from 1989 to 1991? All of it. Do you know how many Grammys Innerspace won? Less than none.
You know how many Oscars Demolition Man was nominated for? 7,800 less than the number of times it aired on TBS the first 7,800 times it aired.
You know how I know K-9 Cop was a bad movie? Because it stars a dog that couldn't even get the lead role over Jim Belushi and because it's on TV every day until we are dead. Some of these movies are on all the time because they are cheaper to be on all the time than movies that are visible. Or visuable. Both. And this is a bad, bad, bad, bad sign of things to come regarding the internets. Be afraid. Be flying toasters afraid.
For example, if this post was about how to mislead. Then the title should read "How to mislead". Thus we can conclude that if this post were about teaching how to mislead, then the current title would be misleading.
I have proven my point. Good day to you all.
Adult Day Care.
To most of us this means old people getting help, daily.
This is misleading.
The word "adult" first of all, doesn't even mean "old people". Or even "handicapped people". Or even "people who may be handicapped or old, or both". It means "over 18".
And that's basically it, depending on the country you're visiting.
But what does "over 18" mean? Without getting into state driving laws and military service, we can keep things simple and leave it at "admission into the legal world of sexual activity". Give or take.
"Adult" films are not of old people, unless you're a filthy human being, who likes awesome movies about old people having sex with each other on camera.
"Adult" beverages are most certainly not aimed at the AARP community, not even the viagra-red_bull-schlitz trifecta. That is aimed at the impotent partying snowboarder (a larger market than you realize).
What I'm saying is, adult day care centers should be what they say they are. A place where old people would immediately have a heart attack and die happily after getting a sponge bath by 4 naked blonde cheerleader/police officers with performance-enhancing breasts.
Would you visit grandpa more often?
Would it make for a more competitive nursing home market, with better care systems in place and more accountability?
Would more people who are on the fence about where they are in life - possibly wanting to continue working, not ready to retire, still mostly in control of their functions - maybe sign up for day care earlier, opening up more jobs for today's youth?
If you answered yes to any of these three questions to which I answered yes meaning the correct answer is yes and if you answered no to any would make you not only incorrect but a terrible human being worthy of a firing squad attacking your bare bum with rubber bullets for 12 hours, then write to your local congressperson and tell them to stop sleeping with prostitutes, and get them to sign up to work at adult day care centers.
For the sake of the children.
Recently something happened. What happened was lots of things. One of the things that happened was a collection of people at an event. This event was weird and stupid. Another thing that happened is that a friend of mine, we'll call him "Perry MacAdams", who knew very little about this person collection, asked me about it, what it was, why it was, and why "celebrities" like "Tom Green" were involved. He also asked me to write a long and strange description of it so that I could then send it to a friend, who we'll call "The Dawson" so that it could then also be posted online in some form or another, that we'll call "What's about to follow". So what's about to follow (oh, NOW that makes sense) is my explanation of the Who, What, How, Why, and WTF of The 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, presented by Dairy Queen, Burger King, The Princess Diaries, Prince, The Royal Tannenbaums, Crown Royal, and Adam Prince. Begin pasted section, as was emailed to said friends: Without doing any additional research, it appears there once was this thing that some people called a musical group consisting of 2 rodents, and this thing was called the Insane Clown Posse. Somehow actual human beings listened and bought records and followed said land crustaceans.
These people became known as no longer people, and were mutated into a subhuman race known as "The Juggalo".
They wear clown face paint much like Kiss and Kiss fans, only somehow, with fewer brain cells and less musical intelligence. I know. I've heard Alive 3 and I can't believe it either, but trust me. Collectively we're talking about the IQ of one whole retard. Picture Texas Stadium filled with organisms that look like a cross between Limp Bizkit and Peter Criss. Now among those 74,000 people, find a way to divide Forrest Gump's IQ out in an equal, fair, socialist fashion.
Now we understand "The Juggalo".
Approximately 11 years ago (I'm assuming this based on the infomercial saying this is their 11th. For all I know this is their 2nd and they're even dumber than I thought.) The benevolent leaders of the Juggalos (said sanity-free, carnival freak troupe) held a gathering for all of their fans to show up. Surprisingly, this site was not bombed. Clinton was a fucking pacifist, I don't care what the Serbs say. Over the last decade plus (or year, depending still on the precise level of dee-dee-dee) these gatherings have been allowed to continue, with zero retaliation from either civil human sovereign nations like Finland, or from oppressive regimes like Norway. These fuckers live on. To be fair, Bush said you're either with us or against us. They don't seem to be with us, and they may not be against us, but dammit, I think we're all against them.
So yeah. A number of years of retard collection in the name of music. You'll notice if you feel like dumbing yourself down and watching the video, that the "celebrities" you speak of are more accurately described as "former celebrities" or "has beens" or "washed up" or "Gallagher".
Yes.End pasted section. For additional reading/writing/rithmatic material, feel free to do these things: Here is the entire seventeen minute interview complete with unnecessary seventeen minutes.Here is Tom Green at said event thingHere is the son of one of the members of the group of crazy circus performers performing something equally crazy and circusyHere is a pictureFacts, presented. And finally, this is something much more juvenile and not nearly as juvenile. This.
Airplanes are what marketers call "a captive audience". Terrorists call them "a really easily influenced and theoretically disposable captive audience". Canada Dry and Schweppes call them "the only place people really have a 16-33% shot at choosing our product depending on whether or not they drink diet soda because if they do than it's a 16% chance but if they don't than it's as high as a 33% chance if they're choosing a soft drink".
You have known this for quite some time, you have just decided not to think about it:
When you're on a plane, your soft drink beverage choices are:
coke, diet coke, sprite, diet sprite, ginger ale.
That is all.
It is possible that the reason for this is that ginger ale is supposedly theoretically presumably old wives tale-ianly good for your stomach when your stomach isn't good to you. I do not say the following but I will say it: Hogwash I say.
First of all, so what. Airlines do not do what is good for consumers ever. When you're about to die, they pump you full of pure oxygen. The bovine equivalent of this is pumping a cow full of pure oxygen or succulent morphine right before you slaughter it for it's delicious gooey insides. Animal people would be up in and out of arms over this. Airlines get a free pass. On top of the fact that they make you not care that you are about to die, they do it in a way that makes you not feel bad about being selfish. Pump your self full of that sweet sweet O2 before you help your dying child end his probably extremely nutty panic attack.
Because children know that planes zooming down equals not fun death.
Airplanes are all about me-first mentality. Selfishness. This does not run down the same river as "providing a soft drink option that might ease stomach cramps among our non-pms flight crowd", as much as "non-pms flight crowd" is definitely the kind of thing you would find in a corporate airline guideline manual journal thing.
Secondly of all, so what. Taco Bell and other locally run delis manufacture and sell yummy things that make your tummy go kablooey all over your potty. Most of these eat holes give you soft drink options including:
coke, diet coke, sprite, diet sprite, orange colored soda, root beer colored soda
or if they are owned by weird people that drink pepsi:
pepsi, diet pepsi, 7up, diet 7up, oranged colored pepsi soda, dr. pepper colored pepsi soda.
Not ginger ale.
My thesis here is not that just because airline people do not care about you does not mean they care about you less than taco bell people. Nor is it that you have to pay for drinks at a restaurant but not on a plane (yet. Or at least you don't have to for the first one on some flights.)
So shut up.
Obviously, ginger ale is not in the top 5 of the non-diet soda drinking billboard chart.
Do ginger ale conglomerates strong arm airlines into pushing their product?
I do not have a strong arm.
Do ginger ale conglomerates strong arm airlines into getting rid of unused product?
I am not unused product.
Do airlines not like orange colored soda or root beer colored soda?
This is a possibility:
Evidence A: No fat chicks on planes.
Evidence No. B: No fat chicks who are guys on planes.
But that can't be it, because of the diet sodas and coke is bad for you if you don't want to be a fat chick issue.
I think most airline people don't know why they carry it. I think most airline people haven't known for a long time.
I think one of the first FAA head guy people was a big ginger ale fan and they've all been posthumously kissing his ass assuming he's dead. One of those "we do it because we've always done it" things, even though the original reason for doing it was to kiss a guy's ass who liked the ginger ale bubbly feel on his ass when the airlines kissed it. To be fair, ginger ale bubbles do feel better on your ass than say a dr pepper colored orange flavored pepsi soda drink.
But still this is weird.
Which is why I only drink Mountain Dew on flights.
If you want to create a product in the present times which is basically the future, because yes, we are living in the future now, with giant flying cars that seat 300 people with expensive peanuts and headphones and video phones and blue people in movies, you need to make sure your product's name begins with a vowel. This is a rule, not a suggestion. Also, it does not matter what your product is or does or how well it works or what it looks like. Think of all the things you have in your purse, or if you're a girl, in your purse. Lots of these things are things that start with the letter "i". Lots of these i-words start with a lower-case i, because a capital i looks like a lower case L which is boring and unmarketable. Some of these products in your purse or your purse start with the letter e. these products can be found within the confines of your i products. Which leads us to another potential thwarting of anarchy: i before e except after c or when you are in the future when e goes inside i the way God intended e and i to live with one another. God did not intend for two i's to lie with one another. that is why no one owns the shuffle anymore.
Sometimes products inside your i start with the letter u. This is also a lower case letter because the big u looks like a cup without water in it and that is sad unless you live in Africa in which case it is life. which is sad. If you feel the need to use a non lower case u, please fill it with water or pledge to donate water every time you type the u while hitting the shift key.
Very few products start with the letter o because it means zero and corporate corporations think that that means they won't make money, which is why no one owns cars named after British swords.
The cutlass. it was a sword.
Also a car.
Unlike the rest of the rules involving vowels, no products of the current future begin with the letter y, either because they are all being controlled by the dark side of the Schwartz or because the future doesn't believe in rules that involve rules that include the word "sometimes" in them. It could also be due to uncertainty. It is not because since our generation was named after the letter that it was retired from corporate branding for all future products of this era.
But we won't know that until the future.
Also we no longer accept the letter a as a vowel or you aren't allowed to start words with it. According to the current rules. of A
Mormons are posthumously converted to Buddhism by Zoroaster himself, possibly with the help of Raab Himself.
Episcopalian.
Fourteen.
Desperate.
Regional.
Forewarned.
I didn't say what or when or where these words would inspire. Just know that some day, they will inspire something. Or someone. Or neither and both at the same time.
Question:
If magic mushrooms make you hallucinate because they are poison, why don't other foods that are poison make you hallucinate? For example, the old cheese I threw up this morning. To be gross and more detailed, it's not like I threw up and said "I remember that cheese, it's from the 80's". This was a case of me throwing caution into the wind and cheese that had been opened for a few weeks into my mouth. It did not make me see things. Other than itself, several hours later.
Cheese smells like feet which are covered in fungus which employs mushrooms. I see this as acceptable logic in the case for old cheese being illegal.
Officially:
Plutonium.
Unofficially:
Rabbits
Shoelaces
Sparkle
Unfiltered Cigarette Filters
Voter Registration Cards
Anonymity
Disposable Contact Lenses
Unlimited Text Messaging
Focaccia Bread
Stencil Art
Grading Systems
Wireless Calling Plans
Ice
MCAT Scores
Toddlers
Weapons
My wife bought me underwear. It's the kind that is the boxer and the brief combination platter. Along the waistband it says:
"Powered By Optimism"
I'm almost 30. I guess if I was 13 or 14 or 15 or even 16 it could say "Powered by hope that it won't have to be powered by optimisim".
At this point, I don't even know how far optimism will get you. Me. As if it said "powered by the cold war".
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